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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29310621">breathe</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Fluff and Angst, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Injured Na Jaemin, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Lee Jeno-centric, M/M, Na Jaemin-centric, Slow Burn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 02:02:25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,395</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29310621</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Jaemin? Jaemin, can you hear me?" Jeno's voice somewhere above him. Like an angel. But angels shouldn't sound so scared, should they? "Jaemin, open your eyes! Please! JAEMIN! Don't do this to me you fucking idiot!"<br/><br/>Jaemin gets severely injured during a concert and Jeno has to live through his personal nightmare.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lee Jeno &amp; Everyone, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Na Jaemin &amp; Everyone</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>276</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is a translation, English is not my first language, so sorry if there are any mistakes! I try to do my best.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Jaemin? Jaemin, can you hear me?" Jeno's voice somewhere above him. <em>Like an angel. But angels shouldn't sound so scared, should they?</em> </p><p>"Jaemin, open your eyes! Please! JAEMIN! Don't do this to me you fucking idiot!"</p><p>Something hot dripped down his cheek.</p><p><em>Strange</em>, Jaemin hummed to himself. <em>Am I not supposed to be dead? Then why can I hear Jeno's voice? Strange.</em></p><p> Something warm trickled down his temple, slowly, sickeningly slowly. It felt different from what had stained his cheek. More viscous and it was more, much more. It didn't stop. <em>Kind of not a good feeling</em>, he thought somewhere in the back of his mind. Like he had a leak and was going to sink if it wasn't plugged soon.<br/>
He tried to raise his hand and wipe it away, but everything felt so, so heavy. Even his eyelids were as heavy as lead. Strange. His body felt so strange. Like pudding. Wait, did he even have a body anymore? He honestly had no idea. And oddly enough, it didn't worry him at all. He was exhausted. He wanted to sleep. <em>Jeno, I want to sleep. Keep it down, will you?</em></p><p>
  <em></em>
</p><p>His head was foggy, confused, chewy, dark, soft, red. Red also shimmering through his closed eyes. As if he were looking directly into the sun. </p><p>
  <em></em>
</p><p><em>Oh, that's right</em>. He remembered. They had just performed BOOM, music bank. </p><p>
  <em></em>
</p><p>They had been fantastic. Jaemin in top form, fierce, smooth, powerful. Every move was pure perfection, a gorgeous, sexy smile playing on his lips.The euphoric screams of the fans - or so he thought. Because it had not been excitement what he had heard in their voices the next second.<br/>
Fear, anxiety, shock. Yeah, yes, that's what it had been. </p><p>
  <em></em>
</p><p><em>Am I doing something wrong?</em> he had asked himself. He had hesitated for a moment, confused. Jeno's scream, so sharp and so loud and so full of terror that he thought his eardrums would burst. He had turned to his best friend, confused, confused, confused, <em>what's wrong, Jeno? Are you hurt?</em>, he wanted to ask, lips already parted, and then - <em>pain. Excruciating pain.</em><br/>
The heavy object had hit him hard, right in the chest. The bones were breaking and all he could think was that he must be dead. </p><p>
  <em></em>
</p><p>Pain. Pain that tore his insides to pieces. Burned through his nerve fibers. Made his head explode. Crushed him. </p><p>
  <em></em>
</p><p>He collapsed on the floor.</p><p>
  <em></em>
</p><p><em>Breathe, breathe</em>, he couldn't breathe, couldn't, pain, more pain, blood, or tears, he didn't know, he just wanted it to stop, he wanted-</p><p>
  <em></em>
</p><p> Jeno. Jeno and Jisung, Renjun falling to his knees, Chenle yelling at someone, staff members, a lot of them, surrounding him, suddenly the weight on his chest was gone, but he still couldn't breathe, it wasn't working, his lungs were flooded with water, why didn't the pain go away, <em>Jeno, make it stop, please, please please. Help me, help me, I don’t want to die here, I-</em></p><p>His eyes fluttered open, filled with tears, with fear, with Jeno, Jeno holding his hand, panic as he realized he couldn't feel it, couldn't feel any warmth, only pain.</p><p>His eyes narrowed. Something inside him broke.</p><p>"Jaemin!"</p><p>
  <em></em>
</p><p>
  <em>Yes? I'm here. I’m here, can’t you hear me?</em>
</p><p>
  <em></em>
</p><p>"Open your eyes. Look at me."</p><p>
  <em></em>
</p><p>
  <em>I'm trying. But it's not working. Can you help me?</em>
</p><p>
  <em></em>
</p><p>"Jaemin, breathe!"</p><p>
  <em></em>
</p><p>
  <em> Breathe... how? I don't understand, I... I don't... is it important? Does it matter...? </em>
</p><p>
  <em></em>
</p><p>"Where are the paramedics? He needs help! Now!"</p><p>
  <em></em>
</p><p>"Oh God, Hyung, oh God..."</p><p>
  <em></em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jisung? Why does it sound like you're crying? Don't cry, my baby. I'll be okay in a minute, I'll get up and we can go on ... we can ....</em>
</p><p>
  <em></em>
</p><p>The world went black.</p><p>
  <em></em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>... half an hour before the concert.</em>
</p><p>"I ... I think I love you."</p><p>Jaemin stared at him in disbelief. His head shot up, his gaze sharp and piercing. He stood only three feet from Jeno, arms crossed in front of his chest. Chic, revealing stage outfit, perfectly styled light blue hair, makeup that only enhanced the look in his eyes. He was gorgeous. He was beautiful. Jeno really loved this man. Jeno was a fucking asshole who couldn't control his emotions.</p><p>"Jeno. We have to be on stage in ten minutes and you decide that's the perfect time to drag me into a room and tell me you <em>think</em> you love me? Are you serious? Am I some kind of bad joke to you? "</p><p>All color drained from Jeno's face, despair written in his eyes. He ran trembling fingers through his hair, wanting to pluck out each strand one by one.</p><p>"Well, I ... Jaemin, no, please, don't get me wrong, I ..." Jeno stepped forward, wanting to grab Jaemin by the arm, but he casually sidestepped him, anger blazing in his dark eyes.</p><p>"What exactly did you expect me to do? For me to fall into your arms and tell you <em>I think I love you too</em>?" The smile on Jaemin's face was cold. Defensive. Hurt. Jeno saw how deeply he'd just hurt his best friend. <em>Oh fuck, fuck, fuck</em>. Jeno's hands shook, his heart tightened, and he felt nauseous, a heavy lump sitting in his throat. Breathing was suddenly so hard for him. As if his body had simply forgotten how in the face of his stupidity. As punishment.</p><p>"Jaemin, please, if you're still mad that I just took off yesterday after you kissed me ..." Jeno was ashamed of how desperate he sounded. How weak and small his voice was. But it felt like his heart was being torn in two at that moment. He had ruined everything. It was his fault. Jaemin had done nothing wrong. He was the coward of the two of them. And he was so, so sorry.</p><p>But Jaemin had already gone to the door, opened it, and cast one last, long, silent glance over his shoulder.</p><p>"Maybe it would be better if you thought a little more. Maybe then you'd be sure about things. Feelings. Let me know when you're done with that, and we can have a real conversation. I'll see you on stage."</p><p>And with those words, he left Jeno behind.</p><p>~</p><p>Jeno had been firmly convinced that this was officially the worst moment of his life and nothing worse could follow - until his best friend was to die right before his eyes just half an hour later.</p><p>They had made it almost halfway through BOOM. But Jeno was distracted, his gaze falling on Jaemin too often. The latter was putting on a show that was flawless. He himself stumbled for the third time and heard some fans calling out to him in concern. He plastered a fake smile on his face. Looked at Jaemin. Again and again and again, relying on his muscle memory.<br/>Their eyes met, annoyed and sad, but both kept smiling as if nothing had happened, but his knees were getting weak, he felt guilty, guilty, no, go on, keep going, personal problems were out of place here, keep going, Jaemin's part next, it was his turn again in a moment, another turn, good, good, keep going, keep going - and suddenly he heard a loud bang.</p><p>Someone was screaming Jaemin's name. It was his voice. Jeno's voice. It sounded foreign to his ears. Pure horror, pure dread, his vocal cords wanted to tear. He lunged forward, moving with inhuman speed, reaching out his arm, Jaemin turning to face him, confusion in his widened eyes, just a few more inches, just a few more, just a few more, in a heartbeat he would be at his side, his fingertips would reach him in a second-</p><p>- Jeno's hand reached into nothingness.</p><p>Jaemin had been hit directly by the heavy spotlight that had come loose from its mount above. His body slumped to the ground, crushed by the weight.</p><p>Jeno heard a loud bang. A strangled scream vibrated through his bones. Jaemin's or his own? He couldn't tell. The world around him stopped. As if even the earth held its breath. Suddenly his heart began to pound hard and painfully in his throat, and he thought he was going to throw up. He thought he was about to wake up. This was not reality. This was a nightmare.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jeno sank to his knees beside Jaemin's head. As he met Jaemin's eyes, the air was brutally forced from his lungs. Fear. Bottomless fear, as if Jeno could see right into Jaemin's soul.</p><p>"Help me, Jeno ... it hurts ... it hurts so much ..." Jaemin breathed, his lips moving weakly. His eyes fluttered shut, tears rolling down his face, Jaemin whimpered as the pain gripped him again and tore at him.</p><p>"I'm here, Jaemin. Jeno is here, right beside you, okay? It's going to be okay baby, it's going to be okay, just hold on a little longer, okay? Please do this for me, I'm here..."</p><p>Blood ran thick and red down Jaemin's temple, tears of blood stained his cheeks where another piece of the fallen spotlight had hit him. His face was ashen, deathly pale, and the deep pain in his eyes constricted Jeno's throat. Jeno thought he was going to pass out.</p><p>He didn't dare look at Jaemin's chest.</p><p>"Jaemin!" he gasped breathlessly, reaching for Jaemin's hand, feeling his pulse, far too weak, far too fast.</p><p>Jaemin's skin grew cold.</p><p>Chenle at his back screamed something, Jeno had never, ever, ever heard him scream so aggressively, he got even more scared, and then there were staff members shielding them from the fans' stares, some shouting more instructions to each other, some kneeling on the ground by Jeno, some removing the spotlight from Jaemin's body, and Jaemin screamed, screamed, screamed, his body convulsing for a second. Jeno gripped his hand tighter, saying Jaemin's name, noticing how the other's gaze went blank, absent, lifeless.</p><p>They tried to pull Jeno to his feet and away from Jaemin, speaking to him, but he refused and tore away roughly. How dare they ask this of him? He would never leave Jaemin alone, no, not now, not here. No!</p><p>"I will not leave his side, I will not leave his side, I..." <em>I'm afraid, afraid, afraid I may never see you again. I love you, you idiot. Jaemin. Forgive me for being such a jerk. Let me make it up to you. I owe you, you hear? So don't leave like this.</em></p><p>At that moment, the paramedics arrived with a stretcher, ripped Jaemin's shirt open, lifted him up, and attached cables to his slender body. Jaemin's head rolled to the side as if he were a lifeless doll.</p><p>Jeno pressed a hand over his mouth as he glanced at the wound, stars dancing before his eyes, he felt so sick, but Jaemin was still there, right beside him, but he wasn't breathing, he-</p><p>- warm, strong hands that grabbed him by the arms and lifted him to his feet. His body struggled, knees threatening to give way beneath him. All he could see was Jaemin.</p><p>"Jeno. Let's go."</p><p>Jeno turned his head to Johnny's reassuring smile, right next to him Taeyong, who was talking in a serious tone with a staff member, kneeling down in front of Jisung, who was choking and crying and seemed to be completely breaking down.</p><p>"No, let me go, I have to tell him, I still have to tell him ..." Jeno's voice cracked, he tasted his own salty tears on his tongue.</p><p>"Taeil, Doyoung, and a manager are going with him. Jaemin's not alone." Johnny stepped in front of him in a flash, catching Jeno as he suddenly slumped forward. Jeno just clung to Johnny's arms, too much in shock to cry, move, think, do <em>anything</em>.</p><p>Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Yuta walk over to Taeyong and Jisung, who started to throw up once again, saw Jungwoo trying to calm Chenle, who was running around in circles, saw Jaehyun hurry off the stage with Haechan in his left arm and Renjun in his right.</p><p>Another hand on Jeno's back. <em>Mark.</em> Terrified as well, yet brave for his friend. </p><p>"Jeno, come on, let's go somewhere else for now, okay?"</p><p>Jeno looked back, the paramedics were carrying his best friend away.</p><p>Jaemin wasn't moving anymore. He just lay there, as if asleep. Peaceful amidst all the terror and chaos.</p><p>Small, pale, vulnerable.</p><p>Still so beautiful.</p><p>Jeno's eyes went black for a moment, his heart shattered into countless pieces.</p><p>
  <em>Don’t you dare leave me behind, Na Jaemin. Don't you dare break my heart before we even had a chance to be together.</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>the day before the concert ...</em>
</p><p>Jeno lowered the game controller in his hand and looked at his friend, whose eyes were still glued to the TV as he was about to win the car race.</p><p>Jeno didn't care about the game at the moment. </p><p>Restlessly, he slid back and forth on his butt, his knee brushing Jaemin's. Warmth, Jaemin's warmth. Jeno's favorite kind of warmth. </p><p><em>I wonder if Jaemin feels so warm all over his body.</em> </p><p>Jeno wanted to reach out, slide his hands under Jaemin's shirt, touch skin, warm, soft, silky, firm, firm muscles under his fingers, wanted to grab his hips, hold him, tight, tighter, <em>oh god, Jeno, stop this, this is your best friend, be decent and stop these fantasies and talk to him already.</em></p><p>Jaemin let out a WHOOP, throwing his hands in the air and slapping Jeno's thighs enthusiastically before wrapping an arm around the latter's neck until their heads bumped together. The tips of his hair tickled across Jeno's cheek. Jeno grew even warmer. Hot, hot, heat everywhere, his heart was beating so fast it hurt.</p><p>Jaemin bit his lower lip and grinned shamelessly at him.</p><p>Jeno, mesmerized by those moist, pink lips, swallowed and unconsciously leaned his head a little closer, closer, closer to Jaemin, Jaemin's face, Jaemin's lips, Jaemin's breath, God, he was ready for whatever, was ready to find out if those pretty lips were as warm as he'd so often imagined them to be, so soft and warm, so perfect on his own and he-</p><p>A sly smile parted Jaemin's lips and he blew his breath into Jeno's ear. Jeno shuddered. He wanted Jaemin to do that again. And again. Oh, shit, shit. He slapped his own face. Nope, that didn't help at all.</p><p>"Did losing to me hurt your pride that much?" Jaemin poked him in the side. "Hey, Jaemin to Jeno, are you in? What could the hot bad boy dream of a thousand fangirls be brooding about? Humm ..."</p><p>
  <em>About wanting to kiss you. One may save my soul. Please shower me in holy water.</em>
</p><p>"About how I regret being stuck here instead of watching my show. Give me back my misspent youth."</p><p>"Time with Jaemin is never wasted time." Jaemin raised his index finger lecturingly.</p><p>"I breathe the same air as Saint Jaemin, 24 hours a day. I have become Jaemin."</p><p>"Feels good, huh?"</p><p>"Absolutely fantastic."</p><p>"He's a very special friend."</p><p>"No doubt."</p><p>"Undoubtedly the best, you mean to say. The most gorgeous, the smartest, the prettiest..."</p><p>"Jisung is my absolute number one."</p><p>"No, no Nana is your ultimate bias here."</p><p>"Jisung."</p><p>"Jaemin."</p><p>"Jisung."</p><p>"Jaemin."</p><p>"Renjun."</p><p>"What? Why Renjun?"</p><p>"He just cooked something for me yesterday."</p><p>"But I do that all the time!" Jaemin bit the inside of his cheek. "You're no fun. This deep betrayal, my soul bleeds."</p><p>"As long as it's just your tender soul. Make me my favorite meal tomorrow after the concert, and I'll change my mind."</p><p>"Not now? Why don't you let me be your number one again right now," Jaemin pouted.</p><p>"Nope."</p><p>"Then go do fifty pushups and get hungry."</p><p>"Nah, I don't feel like it."</p><p>Jaemin grabbed a pillow and threw it right in Jeno's face, who made a muffled sound before taking it and setting it aside.</p><p>"Stop acting like a dick." Another hard slap to Jeno's thigh. Jeno was slowly starting to take a liking to it. Purely platonic, of course.</p><p>"A hungry dick. So? The offer still stands. Then you will once again be my undisputed, much-loved favorite number one Jaemin."</p><p>"I don't want to play this game anymore, it sucks," Jaemin whined.</p><p>"It's <em>your</em> game," Jeno said matter-of-factly.</p><p>"Whatever," Jaemin ignored him and hummed softly to himself when suddenly his eyes lit up. "Hum ... You looked like you were having a sweet daydream earlier." Jaemin's smile widened. Oh damn. He lowered his head into Jeno's lap and crossed his arms, one eyebrow raised expectantly. "Does it make you feel shy? Tell me, Jeno, please, what is it that makes you smile like that? Who is my competitor? She can't be prettier than me."</p><p>Silence.</p><p>"It's you."</p><p>Again, silence. Jeno's heart sank to his knees. </p><p>
  <em>Oh, oh, wow, Jeno brave today, feel like taking risks?</em>
</p><p>It had been supposed to sound like a casual joke. So why had his damn voice gotten so serious? He realized he was blushing and averted his eyes.</p><p>Jaemin raised his hand and playfully tugged at Jeno's bleached strands that fell over his eyes. "Jenooo, that's mean. I don't mind, but that's really a stupid excuse." Jaemin's fingers were now running along Jeno's jawline until he briefly stuck a finger in his friend's ear and smiled mischievously as Jeno winced and looked down at Jaemin, annoyed.</p><p>
  <em>Damn it, that's the truth, you idiot. Do I have to yell it right in your pretty face?</em>
</p><p>Jeno grumbled softly and flicked Jaemin's forehead, who rubbed the sore spot with a loud OUCH! and he was about to push Jaemin off his lap when Jaemin suddenly wrapped a hand tightly around his neck and pulled him down, closer, closer, the cold tips of their noses touching until Jeno felt Jaemin's hot breath against his lips and his heart raced in his chest, his whole body unable, unwilling to move. Jaemin's nose gave his a little push. Neither of them said anything, looking straight into each other's eyes.</p><p>"You're a terrible liar, Lee Jeno. But thank you. Say it three more times and I'll buy it." With those words, he gave Jeno a firm shove against the chest, causing Jeno to topple backwards, stood up lithely from Jeno's lap, and left the room, giggling.</p><p>"Oh, just you wait, Na Jaemin. It'll all come back to you eventually, maybe tomorrow!" he called after his friend and could hear Jaemin laughing out loud.</p><p>Jaemin then stuck his head through the door and winked at him. "Look forward to tomorrow night, my starving friend." And the very next second, he was gone again.</p><p>"But that was the truth! I ... how brazen is this guy anyway?" he told the empty room when the door was closed. "I'm not a liar ..."</p><p>But he had pretended to be one.</p><p>And Jaemin knew it.</p><p>~</p><p>"Jeno-yah?" Taeyong knelt before his slumped form and gently touched his arm. <em>Leave me alone, go, go away, please, go, I can't stand this closeness, I can't stand it.</em> Jeno blinked through his tears. He didn't want to exist anymore. The pain was gone, and he felt so empty, such a big hole gaping in his chest. He didn't know what was worse. Choking on the pain or dying of thirst from the emptiness. He looked down at his hands. Jaemin's dried blood was on them. A tear dripped from his chin and smeared the red on the back of his hand. He couldn't take it anymore. He wanted to be where Jaemin was.</p><p>
  <em> I didn't mean it, really, I didn't mean for anything to happen to you, I was joking, I didn't mean it.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I'm thinking about you, I'm thinking about you, I'm thinking about you. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Stay with me, stay with me, stay with me. I need you, I need you, I need you by my side.</em>
</p><p>He sobbed softly and Taeyong sat down beside him, hugging him tightly, whispering soothing words in his ear, rubbing his back, Yuta came and sat on the other side, brushing the tears from his cheek, again and again and again until Jeno had no more tears left. Taeyong gave him a light kiss on the forehead.</p><p>"When you're ready, we can go to the hospital they took him to. The car is waiting outside. But don't rush, okay? Take your time."</p><p>"No, I ... I want to go to him." Jeno whispered, pressing his hands to his eyes. "I <em>need</em> to see him."</p><p>Yuta reached for his hand and squeezed it gently. "We're here with you. We'll all get through this together. Remember, his heart is that of a lion."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It took the strong arms of Jaehyun and a lot of good coaxing from Taeyong - that Doyoung would call him immediately if there was news of Jaemin's condition - for Jeno not to yell in the manager's ear every two minutes <em>to please fucking step on it and go faster.</em></p><p>But now, as they got closer and closer to the hospital, and thus closer and closer to Jaemin, he was collapsing more by the minute, growing smaller and paler in his seat between Taeyong and Jaehyun.</p><p>Cold sweat had broken out on his temples and his legs had started to shake. Jaehyun had one arm wrapped tightly around his shoulder, Taeyong's fingers running soothingly through the hair on the back of his neck. They were the calm, composed Hyungs they needed to be for their little brothers in such distress. But Jeno was terrified. He wanted to go to Jaemin. But he was just terrified.</p><p>He had imagined seeing his best friend lying there, tiny, terribly pale, and frighteningly motionless, in a huge bed in an even bigger, empty room. All alone.<br/>
He had imagined the doctor looking at him and just shaking his head with feigned regret. Without a trace of empathy, with empty eyes, because to the doctor, it was just a repetitive routine, since Jaemin was just one dead man among many, and so he just kept wiping his bloody fingers clean, untouched by Jeno's tears.</p><p>But to Jeno it was the end of his perfect, happy world. Jeno wanted to scream at the doctor that there was only one Na Jaemin in this whole universe and that he should bring him back because Na Jaemin had so many years left to live and fill with memories and ... But his Jaemin just lay there. Eyes closed. No heartbeat. No breath. Body frozen. Beautiful and ashen and far too young, hands folded on his chest.</p><p>Jeno snapped back to reality and looked down at his own fingers. The blood had been washed off by his friends. But he would always see it. He would always remember how Jaemin had cried out in pain. How Jaemin had begged him to help him, and he had done nothing but hold Jaemin's hand and reassure him that everything would be okay. That he needed to breathe. Breathe, breathe, breathe. He should have done more. But it was too late now.</p><p>Jaemin was still alive, he could feel it, he knew it. Jeno felt terrible, he felt nauseous and slumped forward; Jaehyun held a plastic bag in front of his mouth just as he was about to throw up. He felt like the lead actor in the shittiest movie ever. But this was real and brutal and cruel.</p><p>Actually, he should have been sitting in their dorm right now, surrounded by his laughing, joking, bickering friends. Jaemin across from him, with his favorite food in front of him, warm and heavenly smelling. Jaemin gazing at him expectantly, chin casually propped in his hand as Jeno tasted the first bite. Jaemin smiling, brighter than the sun, and Jeno couldn't help but give him an appreciative grin in response.</p><p>But instead, Jeno now had to face his fear that he might never have all this again.</p><p>Taeyong's phone rang, but Jeno barely heard the sound. It was like his head was underwater. He choked out bile one last time before sitting back, breathing heavily and closing his eyes, his head throbbing and throbbing and throbbing. </p><p>Jaehyun bent down to wipe the corners of his mouth with a damp cloth, Jaehyun so serious, so concerned, so caring that Jeno just wanted to cry uncontrollably like a little girl. But nothing happened, not a single tear left his eyes, Taeyong beside him talking frighteningly serious, Jeno didn't know that tone, didn't want to know that Taeyong could even talk like that, Jeno couldn't listen, didn't want to listen, didn't want any of this to be real when he opened his eyes again.</p><p>Then his leader hung up and stared at the black screen in silence for a long moment before looking up. Jeno didn't want to know, he'd rather not hear anything at all than hear something bad, and he felt so sick, so incredibly sick, fear coursing through his veins, he didn't want to know what Taeyong-</p><p>"Doyoung told me Jaemin is having surgery now," he said quietly, gently, carefully. As if Jeno would shatter like glass if he spoke too loudly to him.<br/>But Taeyong didn't say Jaemin would be fine soon. He didn't say that it wasn't bad, that his injuries weren't severe. He didn't tell Jeno, he didn't tell him with a word that it was - "The others are already there. Johnny and Yuta took Jisung and Chenle back to the dorm, they need to rest." Taeyong sighed. "Jeno." He placed a warm hand on Jeno's thigh. Jeno refused to look at him, not wanting to see the pity in Taeyong's eyes, and just stared down at his hands. A mistake, he realized a moment later, because again all he could see was Jaemin's blood, which had stained them until half an hour ago. <em>Fear, fear, fear</em>. "We can always turn back if you think it's too much for you."</p><p>Jeno immediately shook his head. "I told him I'd be there. I <em>promised</em> him I would. So I'll be there."</p><p>Taeyong understood how he must be feeling right now and nodded. "Alright. Please let me know right away if you change your mind, and we'll drive you back to the dorm."</p><p>The next moment, the car came to a stop. And the fear in Jeno increased tenfold. He stiffened. Taeyong reached for Jeno's hand and smiled encouragingly. "We're here, Jeno-yah." As if he didn't know that, as if he didn't know that, he couldn't, he couldn't...</p><p>Jaemin was in there. Jaemin was in pain. Jaemin was suffering. Jaemin was lying there, naked and defenseless and alone on the cold, hard operating table with a tube down his throat, the doctors cutting him open and he was bleeding, and what is his best friend doing, sitting here, being a coward and almost wetting his pants just because he's scared, while Jaemin is in there going through the worst time of his life. All alone.</p><p>The car door swung open, cold air rushing inside, and Jeno felt like he had just arrived at the entrance to hell. But there was no way back for him, only forward.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Someone still has to tell his parents."</p><p>Collective silence followed until Doyoung's heavy sigh echoed through the room. He closed his eyes for a second before slowly rising from his seat beside Renjun.</p><p>"Okay. I'll do it." He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. As he passed Taeyong, who was standing next to the door, he placed a hand on his shoulder and sent his friend a grateful and relieved smile before his worried gaze fell back on Jeno.</p><p>But Jeno ignored him, ignored his worry, yes, he should be worrying about Jaemin and not Jeno, Jeno didn't have a bleeding hole in his chest and-... <em>Pathetic.</em></p><p>The throbbing pain behind his temples flared up again, and he suppressed a low groan, leaning forward and propping his forearms on his thighs, fingers pointing down. Jaehyun sat beside him and placed a hand on the small of his back, a gesture meant to reassure him, but Jeno felt so disgusted with himself at that moment that it did him no good. He wanted to take a hot and long shower until all the sweat until the last remnants of blood were gone, hot, hot, and hotter until his skin peeled off.</p><p>At the hospital, they had been given a private waiting room in the hospital to avoid the public's gaze. There they sat and the thick air, the long wait, the muffled conversations, basically everything was unbearable for Jeno.</p><p>Their manager was with them, his phone ringing off the hook. Damage control. Because the video of Jaemin's accident was already all over the internet. Thousands had already watched it, and thousands more would soon. Sensation-hungry people watching his friend suffer the worst pain he had ever experienced. Jeno hated that he knew all this because their manager had no regard for them and wouldn't go out when he had to be on the phone with so many people. He was probably incredibly desperate himself, sure, but still - that was no excuse for his behavior. Jeno hated how powerless he felt right now, and he just wished his damn manager would leave the room and finally give him some peace.</p><p>"Don't look at your social media for now," he had instructed them. Oh, like Jeno was that masochistically inclined. It would have pushed him off the nearest cliff if he had looked at his phone right now, where there were countless messages waiting for him. Messages from fans, friends, his family who had surely already heard about the accident. They all had to wait. There was nothing he could do until he knew how Jaemin was doing. And why hadn't anyone come to provide them with information? Why had they just been crammed in here? Why-</p><p>Jeno heard someone laughing loudly outside the door. Cheerfully. As if the person hadn't yet realized that they were in a fucking hospital here. A place that was closer to life and death than any fucking church.<br/>
For a split second, he'd thought it had sounded like Jaemin giggling. But right now, Jaemin seemed to be everywhere.</p><p>Except at his side.</p><p>Then Taeil came in, carrying coffee for everyone, and for a brief moment Jeno suspected it was him laughing. But when he saw Taeil's red, tired eyes, when he saw Taeil struggling to smile genuinely despite the situation, he dismissed the thought and immediately felt a little ashamed.</p><p>"Thank you, Hyung," he accepted the coffee from Taeil and his Hyung ruffled his hair fleetingly. Jeno's lower lip trembled slightly and he bit down on it so hard it hurt, averting his eyes and staring blankly at the brown, thin brew in the cup.</p><p>The coffee was already cold and undrinkable when Doyoung returned and wordlessly sat back down next to Renjun. Exhausted, Jeno looked to his close friend and heard Doyoung speaking softly to him, but Renjun didn't respond. He just stared in Jeno's direction, staring at Jeno's feet as if he could see something everyone else couldn't. Renjun had been standing right behind Jaemin when it had happened, and Jeno wondered if his friend saw the same things he did when he closed his eyes.</p><p>Suddenly the cramped space became unbearable for Jeno as the memories flooded back. His heart constricted and he downed the coffee in one gulp. He could hear someone remark with concern that Jeno shouldn't drink so much of it on an empty stomach, but he didn't listen. He didn't care.<br/>
Nothing had ever tasted so, so bitter in his life.</p><p>"I'm going out for a bit," he muttered and got up from his seat, swaying briefly as he blacked out for a second and shook his head in a daze. But Jaehyun was already right behind him, grabbing him by the arm.</p><p>"I'll go with you," he said in a determined voice.</p><p>"Hyung, I..."</p><p>"No one can be alone right now, Jeno, and I can't let you pass out somewhere. I'm going with you, no arguments."</p><p><em>There's probably no more ideal place for this than a hospital</em>, he wanted to retort, but bit his tongue. Because Jaehyun was right, and he knew it.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Hey Jaemin, Jisung wants to know how much longer he has to wait for his foo-"</p><p>Just as Jeno stepped into the kitchen, strong hands suddenly grabbed his arms and spun his body around until they pressed his back hard against the kitchen counter. In front of him Jaemin, close, so close that their thighs were grinding against each other; a tingling warmth spread throughout his body from where they touched. This ... this was <em>definitely</em> wrong. Unfortunately, surprised Jeno couldn't think any further.</p><p>Jaemin grinned mischievously at him, a wooden spoon raised like a weapon in his right hand, his left propped up on the kitchen counter at Jeno's waist level. Jeno leaned back and swallowed hard as Jaemin took another step closer. Jaemin's eyes sparkled with amusement. Who or what was this guy after yet agai-</p><p>"Jeno, my best and only friend in this big wide world, you've come at just the right time."</p><p>Jaemin's best-and-only-friend tried to duck away, but Jaemin put the spoon aside in a flash and propped his other hand on the counter as well, and so Jeno was now trapped between his arms.</p><p>"...Have come at the right time, for what?" asked Jeno grumbling, turning his profile to Jaemin, whose eyes were glued to his face a touch too intensely for his liking. But at the same time, part of him enjoyed Jaemin's attention and wanted more of it. Much more. Jeno's soul was doomed.</p><p>"To taste the food I made." Jaemin leaned in even closer. Jaemin clearly had a bad relationship with the concept of "respecting Jeno's privacy." Not that Jaemin ever gave it much thought. He just did.</p><p>Jeno could feel Jaemin's hot breath brushing over his collarbone where his sweater had slipped down, and he decided enough was enough. He grabbed Jaemin's bicep and pushed him back a few steps. But to his surprise - or rather not to his surprise, because he knew Jaemin well enough after all the years of their friendship - Jaemin started grinning like a Cheshire Cat, his eyes flashing. Obviously, he liked what Jeno was doing.</p><p>"Jenoooo, don't reject me like that. Come on, just try it once, will you? Trust these magic hands."</p><p>Jaemin, still trapped in Jeno's grip, raised his wiggling fingers to his face and laughed.</p><p>Jeno snorted softly and muttered an "Alright, I 'll survive if, I have to," but couldn't help smiling at Jaemin. He let go of him and was about to walk over to the pot of delicious smelling kimchi jigae on the stove when Jaemin's voice at his back suddenly turned all serious.</p><p>"Jeno."</p><p>Confused, Jeno turned to face him and saw Jaemin casually leaning against the kitchen counter with his arms crossed. His gaze was quite calm, focused, sharp. Jeno grew uneasy, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.</p><p>"What's the matter, Jaemin? Are you not feeling well? Do you need help with something?" he asked cautiously, body tensing.</p><p>For several long heartbeats, no one said a word, and Jeno felt a strange tension in the air. One he had never felt before. Not when he was with Jaemin.</p><p>"You know, you could have just asked," Jaemin's deep, smooth voice broke the silence.</p><p>Stunned, Jeno stared at Jaemin. "I, um ... What could I have asked?"</p><p>Jaemin bit down on his lower lip, Jeno's eyes following the movement. "I know you wanted to kiss me earlier."</p><p>Dead silence.</p><p>Jeno felt his heart beating so hard, so loud, so hard, so fast in his throat that everyone in the dorm had to hear it. He paled. Jaemin, however, was still so composed, as if none of this seemed to bother him. But Jeno saw Jaemin's nails digging firmly into his arms. He looked at Jeno with eyes as intense and glowing as a cat's at night.<br/>
Jeno felt like Jaemin had caught him. Caught in a trap. His brain shut down.</p><p>"I ... I didn't ..." He took a step back, stumbled. He retreated another step back, stumbled again. Jaemin pushed himself off the kitchen counter, came closer, and stopped a foot from Jeno. A faint smile lit his face, his cheeks flushed slightly, and Jeno's breath caught.</p><p>"You know, all you had to do was ask," he murmured softly, frowning thoughtfully. This was all happening way too fast for Jeno's liking. His mind couldn't handle this kind of situation. He was dreaming, dreaming, dreaming they were best friends, forever, best friends and nothing more and-</p><p>-suddenly there were Jaemin's lips on his, warm and soft and perfect, just as he had imagined in his dreams, only better, <em>much</em> better, because this time it was real, sweet and warm, and he could taste the dark chocolate Jaemin had eaten earlier, and he kissed back, kissed Jaemin, <em>kissed his best friend</em>, felt Jaemin wrapping a hand around his neck, pulling him closer, and Jeno melted against him, melted under his touch, in the next heartbeat Jaemin's tongue licked over his lips, hot, soft, velvety touch, he needed his body to be closer to him, closer, closer, closer - suddenly he heard a loud bang.<br/>
Simultaneously, they jumped up and separated from each other. Their eyes met. Confused, bewildered, shocked, Jeno's gaze fell on Jaemin's wet lips, proof of what they'd just done, that they'd crossed a line and it should have felt good, it had, but now-</p><p>"Hyuuuungs, I'm hungry! Hungry, hungry, huuuuungry." Jisung.</p><p>Before Jeno could form a clear thought, he had pushed Jaemin away. He looked into Jaemin's eyes for a moment and saw that his behavior was hurting his friend, confusing him in equal measure. But Jeno just abandoned Jaemin, stormed out of the kitchen, and locked himself in the bathroom.</p><p>There he crouched on the floor, his back pressed against the cold tiles, trying to calm his thoughts, shivering. Someone knocked on the door - he raised his head, was about to say he wanted to be alone, but the person had already started talking.</p><p>"Jeno, I ... I'm sorry, I really thought you wanted ..." Jaemin's voice. Sad, distressed, strangely stifled. Was he crying?</p><p>"Did you hear me saying yes to ... To <em>that</em>?" Jeno forced out after a moment of silence.</p><p>"No, no, I ... I just thought ..."</p><p>And suddenly anger boiled in Jeno's stomach. He was angry at Jaemin, angry at himself and his stupid feelings and his idiotic overreaction, and in the next moment he left the bathroom, rushed past Jaemin without even looking at him, and disappeared into his room, which he didn't leave until the next morning.</p><p>~</p><p>Jeno gripped both sides of the sink until his knuckles turned white, and looked up. Droplets of water slid down his face and dripped from his chin. His eyes were bloodshot from crying, damp bleached blond hair stuck to his forehead, and he looked like he was in constant pain, physically and mentally, probably from his vomiting attack ... And everything else. No one would have guessed that just a few hours ago he had been standing in front of a camera, perfectly styled and made up.</p><p>Jaehyun was waiting outside, and he had been in here for far too long. Jaehyun gave him some time to himself, but he would definitely knock soon to check on him and make sure everything was alright. A sad smile appeared on Jeno's face and he sighed. Nothing was okay. Nothing at all.</p><p>
  <em>"What exactly did you expect me to do? For me to fall into your arms and tell you I think I love you too?"</em>
</p><p>Yes, perhaps that was exactly what he had expected of him, he didn't need to fool himself about that. Still, he had only been thinking of his own feelings and he would do anything to make up for that mistake once Jaemin had woken up and gotten over everything.</p><p>"Jeno-yah, are you alright in there?" Jaehyun.</p><p>"Yeah, I'll be right there."</p><p>
  <em>Hey, Na Jaemin, can you hear me? I'll wait for as long as it takes for you to come back to me.</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Jaehyun-hyung?" Jeno stepped out of the restroom, and Jaehyun pushed himself off the wall.</p><p>"Yeah, what is it, Jeno-yah?"</p><p>He hesitated for a moment. "How long has he been ... how long has he been ..." Jeno took a deep breath and tried to swallow the lump forming in his throat. He stared at one of the empty hospital beds that stood in the corridor. Jaehyun quietly took Jeno's hand as Jeno forced himself to push the words out.</p><p>"How long has Jaemin been in surgery?"</p><p>Jeno nodded, and Jaehyun cast a quick glance at his watch. He sighed.</p><p>"Four hours."</p><p>They had trapped them in this disinfectant-smelling concrete block with too many people, too many diseases, and too much blood for four full hours. To Jeno, it felt like four days.</p><p>Distracted, he ran his hands over his face and looked around. Midnight was long past and the corridors were empty. Clacking footsteps echoed off the bare walls before it became unbearably quiet again. Jeno hated silence, because then he could hear his heart pounding extra loud in his ears.</p><p>As his breathing slowed, Jeno stopped. Jaehyun turned to him and frowned. Jeno just stared at the ground and Jaehyun remained silent. He sensed that something was weighing heavily on the younger man's heart and mind. Jeno thanked the gods for Jaehyun's patience with him, it was not to be taken for granted.</p><p>"I..." Jeno scraped together the rest of his courage and lifted his head until their eyes met. Jaehyun's warm, kind eyes gave him the final encouraging push. "I said mean things to him. I hurt Jaemin's feelings so bad yesterday and I could see it in his eyes, he was so hurt and disappointed and I just made it worse...oh fuck..." He clawed his hand into the front of his hoodie, feeling his heart pounding under his fingers, and clenched his jaw tightly, so tightly he thought his molars would crack any moment.</p><p>A hand on his shoulder. Warmth seeped through the fabric onto his skin. Fingers gently lifted his chin until Jeno had to look at the taller man before him. He refused, however, and stared at Jaehyun's chin. If he looked at Jaehyun now, he would start crying again - something he wanted to spare them.</p><p>"Were they terrible things you said and did to him? Things you can never make up for?" asked Jaehyun quietly.</p><p>Jeno just shrugged and then, after a few moments, slowly shook his head.</p><p>"Things he won't forgive you for? Jaemin is not a person who will be angry with you for long."</p><p>Again, Jeno hesitated. He nodded.</p><p>Jaehyun sighed and smiled gently at him. "So you have no reason to blame yourself. Whatever happened between the two of you, it will be fixed. There's no Jeno without Jaemin, just like there's no Jaemin without Jeno, everyone at NCT knows that by now." He paused. "So wait until he wakes up and then you can fix things."</p><p>Jeno rubbed his stinging eyes and his head slumped on Jaehyun's shoulder.</p><p>"But what if he never wakes up?" murmured Jeno in a trembling, barely audible voice into the warm crook of Jaehyun's neck. Now that he had spoken his deepest fear aloud, it suddenly felt like it could become reality. His fears pulled the rug from under Jeno's feet.</p><p>"Oh damn, Jeno. How do you think Jaemin would feel if he knew his best friend was having thoughts like that right now?", Jaehyun scolded quietly and Jeno winced, only pressing his face harder against Jaehyun's shoulder. Wanted to lock the world away.</p><p>"I'm ... I'm sorry, hyung. I'm sorry. Jaemin would feel pretty shitty. He'd call me the biggest ass in the world. He'd laugh at me and punch me in the side." But Jaemin wouldn't be mad at him. Jaemin was Jeno's absolute favorite person. Jeno hoped it was still the same the other way around. Jaehyun was right, he shouldn't get hung up on thoughts like that. But it was so, so hard.</p><p>"Let's go back and get more of that horrid coffee." Jaehyun's fingers ran through Jeno's hair soothingly. Jeno suppressed a sob. "Hey, Jeno-yah."</p><p>Jeno straightened up and took a step away from Jaehyun.</p><p>"Yeah?"</p><p>"Be by Jaemin's side when he wakes up, and help him breathe again if he thinks he can't make it on his own."</p><p>Teach him how to breathe again.</p><p>A tear ran down Jaemin's cheek and he looked at Jaehyun for a long moment. "I will." Jeno briskly wiped the tear away with his fingertips. "Hyung?"</p><p>Jaehyun's eyes widened slightly, and he gave Jeno an encouraging nod.</p><p>"Thank you for being by my side. Thank you for saying those words."</p><p>Jaehyun smiled. "That's what family is for."</p><p>Shoulder to shoulder, so close they were touching, they walked back to the waiting room, not saying a word on the way.</p><p>Jeno's heart sank another time when there had been no news of Jaemin's condition in the meantime, so he settled back down next to Jaehyun and forced himself to keep his eyes open until his body betrayed him and he slowly fell asleep. Jaehyun continued to murmur comforting words in his ear as his eyes finally fell shut; darkness enveloping his body, mind, and soul.</p><p>Silence.</p><p>And suddenly, he could hear Jaemin's voice echoing in his head.</p><p>
  <em>Jeno, are you there? Jeno. Please find me. Help me. I can't do this alone. Save me, my angel.</em>
</p><p>And Jeno's heart skipped a beat.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"He's going into cardiac arrest! Oh damn it, don't just give up and leave us, young man..."</p><p>"Get the defibrillator ready! Let's charge to fifty!"</p><p>"All hands off the table! And ... clear!"</p><p>~</p><p>
  <em>Jaemin was drowning.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He had fallen from a crimson sky into a deep black ocean. With all his strength, he tried to swim, to swim, to survive, while gigantic waves crashed over him and then pushed him under the surface.<br/>
The water flooded into his lungs, threatening to suffocate him. He sank deeper, deeper, deeper, the mass of water pressed heavily against his chest, stabbing pain, he sank deeper, deeper, deeper, a last desperate attempt to reach the surface, but his body no longer moved.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The light of the sun above him faded, slid over his face one last time, his hair, his fingertips reaching for the light. His eyes closed, bubbles of air rose from his parted lips, and it grew dark and still inside Jaemin. He gave up. Everything hurt so much. He wanted to give up. To sleep forever. To never have to feel that pain again. Never again, never again...</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"JAEMIN!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Startled by the unexpected sound, Jaemin blinked. The voice sounded familiar. He opened his eyes again and saw a face above him, saw someone floating towards him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Jeno? Is that you?" He wanted to smile, but there was just so much pain inside him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Stay with me, you idiot!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And the next moment there were strong fingers reaching for his wrist, again he heard someone call his name, felt himself being pulled up, higher, higher and higher until his head broke through the water, and he felt the warm sun on his skin, the cold wind in his hair, the world around him bursting into colors, warmth, sounds.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And Jaemin breathed. Once. Twice. A third time. He looked to the side, saw Jeno right in front of the sun, a light so brilliant, so blinding; saw the relieved smile on his friend's face. Jaemin returned it as Jeno pulled him into his strong arms in the next second, and Jaemin pressed close to him, closing his eyes. They floated; weightless. Free.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I found you, Jaemin. Thank God, I found you in time. Don't ever disappear again, Na Jaemin. Don't ever just leave me like that again."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>For a long moment, all they could hear was the sound of the waves, their heavy breathing, the fierce pounding of their hearts beating in unison.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'm sorry. I won't do it." Jaemin was silent for a moment. "And thank you. I thank you, Jeno. You heard when I called for you...."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He felt Jeno's entire body tremble. Without saying anything, Jaemin leaned his cheek against Jeno's, took the latter's hand, and placed it directly on his heart.</em>
</p><p>You saved me, my angel.</p><p>~</p><p>"Charge again and... clear!"</p><p>"We've got a rhythm"!</p><p>"What's his blood pressure?"</p><p>"His vitals are stabilizing. He's..."</p><p>
  <em>Jaemin's eyes fluttered open for a second.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The pain was still there, but this time it didn't feel like he was choking.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But how was that possible...?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Then his eyes fell shut again and he sank back into a deep, deep slumber.</em>
</p><p>~</p><p>Jeno's eyes snapped open, his body shaking uncontrollably. He didn't know where he was, what he was doing here, who was here with him, only felt himself grow terribly cold, cold, so cold, his heart pounding painfully and hard against his ribs, and he-</p><p>-arms wrapped around his body, trying to soothe him, more hands on his face, his cheek, voices in his ear. He shivered, shivered, shivered.</p><p>A single word passed his lips. "J-Jaemin."</p><p>"Calm down, it was just a dream, just a dream."</p><p>Jeno immediately wanted to retort that it hadn't just been a dream, that it had all felt so real, so genuine and so real and-</p><p>"No, I saw him. I-I <em>saw</em> him." <em>Why didn't the others understand?</em></p><p>"Shh, calm down, we're here, Jeno-yah, we're here..."</p><p>Just as he had calmed down a bit, their manager entered the room. Barely noticeable, the older man was trembling and Jeno startled.</p><p>Slowly, their manager turned to face them. The tension in the room was palpable, sharp, dangerous, fragile.</p><p>"Jaemin-ah's out of surgery. He made it, he ... he made it through. He's going to live."</p><p>Everyone seemed to breathe a sigh of relief at the same time.</p><p>Jeno fainted, seeing stars dance before his eyes as his body collapsed, but his hyungs were already there to catch him.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Everything was so warm, soft, calm. Jaemin was tired, but it was pleasant tiredness. As if he were floating through the sky, sitting on a cloud.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Should he try to open his eyes? Move his hands? His body felt so light, a very wondrous feeling. This had to be a dream. He seemed to be dreaming a lot lately. Good dreams, bad dreams.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He got brave, tried to wiggle his toes. But suddenly he made a wrong move and with the sharp pain, reality crashed over him.</em>
</p><p>When Jaemin had first woken up, he had been all alone. He remembered that it had been very dark. Freezing cold. Silent. That was all he could remember, though, because as soon as he had regained consciousness, he had been pierced by a pain so intense that the darkness had instantly exploded before his eyes. He whimpered in silent agony as his hands clutched the sheets, and after only a few seconds he had drifted back into unconsciousness.</p><p>~</p><p>When he next woke up, he could see the golden sun rising over the city. Somehow, his mind seemed to realize that he was in a hospital room. But when he learned the reason, he was completely overwhelmed. He stopped functioning.</p><p>He exhaled, trying to push most of the strange pain in his chest out with the air before finally finding the strength to move his head a little more. He regretted it a second later when even the slightest movement hurt beyond belief. Like a truck had run him over. Hard. His throat felt raw, irritated, and sore, his hand felt funny, and a second heartbeat throbbed behind his temples, accompanied by the beeping of all the machines he was connected to. The rest of his body somehow didn't exist but had to be there if he could still breathe. Well, at least something.</p><p>He narrowed his eyes for a second before his gaze traveled down his arm, and Jaemin noticed he was getting an IV through his right hand.</p><p><em>Beep. Beep Beep</em>. The annoying sound cut through his head and he groaned. He tried to sit up, but his body didn't move an inch, didn't listen to his head's commands, and he felt very weak, cold, and his heartbeat was too fast.</p><p>His memories were so mixed up. When he closed his eyes, because that seemed to be all his body was good for anymore, moving his eyelids, he could see himself in an ambulance, surrounded by doctors and wires and voices and sounds.</p><p>Was that ... no. It couldn't have been real. Or was it? Was his mind playing tricks on him? He didn't know; he didn't know anything. Everything was such a blur. His head didn't want to remember the torture he'd endured, but his body did, and at that moment a violent wave of emotion hit him hard.</p><p>In his mind's eye, the entire scene of his accident played on a continuous loop. Like a damaged videotape. Once again he heard the terrified screams of the fans, once again he saw Jeno's horror-struck face, once again he experienced being crushed by a weight, once again he felt the pain explode in his body, and once again everything went black. Again and again and again and again.</p><p>Caught up in his memories, his heartbeat quickened, his entire body broke out in a cold sweat, the machines around him emitted shrill, alarming sounds that cut through his head like sharp knives. Moments later, a doctor, accompanied by two nurses, rushed into the room, trying to talk to him, but Jaemin was unresponsive. His painkiller dose was increased, and it didn't take long for his body to calm down and relax somewhat in response, but his mind was still racing at breakneck speed. The unfamiliar face of the doctor hovered over him, examining him thoroughly, and he became scared and anxious. What would the man do, what would he do to him, would he hurt him, would he...?</p><p>"...emin....can you hear me? ...Jae...?"</p><p>Jaemin watched with a fixed gaze as the man's lips moved, but he couldn't understand the words that came out of his mouth. His body tensed up. He felt like a startled animal in a trap. This strange man was close to him, far too close, it hurt, but it was his heart that was tightening, and he just wanted all of this, this whole situation, not to be real. A grim joke of fate. In a moment he would open his eyes and then he would be on stage performing the second half of BOOM. None of this had ever happened. It had never happened. Not to him. Again, he lost consciousness.</p><p>~</p><p>When he woke up the third time, he felt strangely calm. Not like himself. As if instead of blood, drugs were now coursing through his veins.</p><p>This time he wasn't alone. Still a little dazed, he blinked, and after three tries, turned his head a little to the left. Next to him, someone sat on a simple plastic chair, his head resting on Jaemin's bed. The guy was asleep, even snoring softly. As Jaemin's gaze wandered further, he saw and felt their fingers intertwine. And oddly enough, he didn't mind. It felt fine. Normal. Just right.</p><p>He exhaled heavily. His gaze wandered to the clock on the wall directly in front of him. Nine o'clock. But did it matter? How long had he been lying here? Jaemin was a mess, his thoughts a mess, and he was too exhausted to sort them out. So he mustered what little strength he had left and stroked the back of the man's hand with his thumb, a touch as delicate and light as a feather.</p><p>At that moment the man's body shifted, he straightened in his chair, rubbed his tired face with his hand, and looked up, glanced at Jaemin, and when he realized Jaemin was looking back at him, awake and alive and warm, he trembled, pressed a hand to his mouth, and fell silent. Jaemin didn't recognize him right away; he was in a haze. That was until the man held his hand tighter, almost painfully tight, and leaned both their hands against his chest.</p><p>"Jeno?" Jaemin breathed, whimpering softly. It hurt to speak.</p><p>Jeno just shook his head, his light hair falling tangled in his forehead and eyes. "Don't talk just yet." He exhaled in relief, lowered his gaze, and a faint, small, pretty smile lit his exhausted face. There were dried tear tracks on Jeno's cheeks. "I'm just so glad you're here, Jaemin." Jeno broke off. "It's okay, it's over, you made it. It's going to be okay now, I promise."</p><p>Jaemin didn't know what he was feeling at that moment. Everything. Nothing. And then everything again.</p>
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<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jaemin had been fortunate in misfortune. The accident left him with five broken ribs, a punctured lung, some internal bleeding, and a concussion. Although it would take him a long time to recover, he would not suffer any permanent damage.</p><p>In the one week, he had now been in the hospital, he had gradually received visits from his NCT members. Jeno had been the first to be by his side, and he had been very happy about that. After he had woken up and seen his best friend, however, he had still been so exhausted that he had fallen asleep again shortly after, while Jeno had whispered soft, soothing words to him. The next day he stayed awake more often and longer, Jeno visiting him again, and later Taeyong and Jaehyun. The doctor had instructed his friends to keep their visits short and didn't let too many of them in. Jaemin was glad for every minute he wasn't alone because as soon as he closed his eyes, the nightmares came.</p><p>Next, Jisung and Chenle visited him in his room, accompanied by Yuta and Johnny. </p><p>Jisung immediately burst into tears as soon as he saw Jaemin, and it took a very long time, many comforting words and Jaemin's soothing hand in Jisung's hair, on his cheeks, and a gentle kiss on Jisung's forehead, for the youngest to calm down. It broke Jaemin's heart to see him like this, and he suspected it would take a long time for Jisung to recover from the shock. He knew that not only had the whole thing left a lasting, painful impression on his soul, but the other members had been affected as well. But they were there for each other, and that was the most important thing.</p><p>After the seven days that had passed, he had actually seen almost everyone except the WayV team, since they weren't in Korea at the time, but they sent him video messages and many, many texts. At one point, Jaemin made the mistake of going on Twitter, where messages seemed to explode under the hashtag #getwellsoonjaemin. Everyone was wishing him a speedy recovery, which made him relieved and happy in equal measure. Still, he couldn't help but feel miserable, which was understandable. After the whole thing with his back, he had been so excited to be back and able to continue living his dream as an idol. And now? Yeah, now he was ...</p><p>"What am I to fate? A human pain sandwich?" Jaemin was having anything but a good day today. He was lying on his back, he had to, because of his injuries, and by now everything hurt so much. He hated that he could only wiggle his arms a little. Hated that all he got was that disgusting hospital food. Hated that he was bored out of his mind or that his thoughts were going in circles and tormenting him. Hated that he had to lie here for at least another two to three weeks like a turtle lying on its back unable to get up on its own. Yeah, his mood was at rock bottom. He was lucky it was Jeno who got his full load of frustration. "Honestly, first my back, now my chest, what's next? This is depressing!" the words burst out of Jaemin in a bitter tone. Jeno slowly put aside the book he had been reading. Jamin had been asleep until a few minutes ago when another nightmare had woken him up. Just as it always did.</p><p>Jeno silently watched his friend's tired face as he pouted. He saw that Jaemin had grown thinner. He saw the dark circles under his eyes. Jeno knew Jaemin was pulling himself together for everyone else, pretending he was strong and could take all of this. But Jeno knew better. Eventually, they would have to talk about everything. And yet - he would wait until Jaemin was ready.</p><p>He was about to answer Jaemin when his phone buzzed. Jaemin tracked his movements out of the corner of his eye. If he could have crossed his arms in front of his chest, he would have. Unfortunately, he couldn't do that at the moment.</p><p>"Who's texting you, huh? Who's distracting you?" he wanted to know, pursing his lips.</p><p>"Jisung. I'll be right back."</p><p>Jaemin was about to protest when Jeno had already stood up with a soft smile and left the room in the next breath. Less than ten minutes later, he re-entered the room, a heavenly-scented plastic bag in his hands. Jaemin's mouth watered. He lifted his head.</p><p>"What did Jisung give you that smells so good?" he asked.</p><p>Jeno shrugged and sat back down on the chair next to Jaemin, placing the bag on his lap.</p><p>"I made some food," he said matter-of-factly.</p><p>Jaemin's jaw dropped.</p><p>“You <em>what</em>?”</p><p>"I thought I'd switch our roles for once. I wanted to give you a little pleasure."</p><p>"Whether it's a pleasure or not remains to be seen. I have standards, as you know." Jaemin's cheeks flushed slightly, and his eyes finally brightened, shining a tiny bit, becoming a tiny bit more like Jaemin. Jeno's heart warmed at the sight.</p><p>Jeno was silent for a moment before he lifted the container from the plastic bag and looked down at his hands.</p><p>"You know ... maybe I'll become your all-time favorite number one again if I make you something delicious, at least that's what I thought ..." he began hesitantly, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand as he glanced sideways out the window. "You know after we played that stupid car racing game ..." Jaemin's eyes widened as he understood what Jeno was alluding to, but he said nothing.</p><p>They were silent for a long while, neither of them moving, neither of them saying a word. Finally, Jaemin sighed.</p><p>"Jeno ..."</p><p>But Jeno interrupted him.</p><p>"It's pretty spicy because I accidentally put too many chili flakes in it."</p><p>Jaemin blinked in confusion.</p><p>"I ... I don't know if I'm allowed to eat spicy food yet, but ... I- ... I ...?" he stammered, not quite knowing what to make of this whole situation.</p><p>Restlessly, Jeno shifted on his chair.</p><p>"Well, you can smell it, that's a start."</p><p>Jaemin still didn't know what strange turn this conversation had taken. What exactly was this guy up to? He suspected something was fishy, right?</p><p>"Jeno. Is this some kind of mean torture? I'm neither amused nor entertained."</p><p>"I ... No?" Jeno feigned innocence, taking out a spoon and opening the plastic container. Okay, Jaemin had to admit - that smelled pretty damn good. His stomach growled, and he grumbled in annoyance.</p><p>"How did you sneak that in here, anyway? Security is not to be trifled with," he wanted to know.</p><p>Jeno just shrugged. "I just smiled kindly at everyone."</p><p>Jaemin rolled his eyes in response.</p><p>"I have a certain youthful charm, my friend," Jeno said with a warm smile, and pretty, mischievous laugh lines lit up around his eyes.</p><p>Jaemin snorted. "Oh, you certainly have that."</p><p>Jeno growled softly. "I'll try a spoonful," he said, taking the first bite. Enviously, Jaemin stared at Jeno's lips, which still seemed to be smiling.</p><p>"So, how is it?" he urged.</p><p>Jeno lowered the spoon in his hand, and a sudden blush spread down his cheeks to his neck, all the way to the collar of his shirt.</p><p>"You know ..." Jaemin had never seen that expression on Jeno's face before. He felt his heart suddenly begin to beat a little faster.</p><p>"... You know, you ... you just have to ask," Jeno said in a low voice, lifting his chin and looking at Jaemin a little sheepishly. "Second time today Jaemin's jaw dropped. If you really want to know what it tastes like," Jeno added.</p><p>"Lee Jeno, You can't be serious. That's not what I think." That caught Jaemin completely off guard.</p><p>"So, is that a yes?"</p><p>"Yeah, no, I mean, maybe, I, I don't know, I-"</p><p>At that moment, Jeno set the food container aside and leaned down to Jaemin until the tips of their noses hovered inches apart. Jeno looked into his eyes, which were completely serious at that moment, and Jaemin held his breath.</p><p>"Forgive me, Jaemin."</p><p>Jaemin met his gaze, seeing all the pain and uncertainty in Jeno's eyes. Maybe they should have talked about this before. But the last week had been so hard, so painful, and so lonely that Jaemin didn't want to talk now, any more than he had to. He knew exactly what he wanted, right here, right now. He knew what he needed... A soft chuckle escaped his lips, and as he nodded weakly, Jeno realized that Jaemin was no longer angry.</p><p>"So have you had enough time to think?" whispered Jaemin softly.</p><p>"You tell me." Jeno's deep voice so close, so close, so close to his ear.</p><p>"You know, there's a very simple way to find out. You know what you have to do." Jaemin's eyes lit up mischievously, and a wide smile played around his lips.</p><p>"I..." Jeno swallowed and blushed even more. Jaemin raised a brow expectantly. "I ... I want to ... kiss you," the words burst out of Jeno, and he didn't dare look Jaemin in the eye as he did so. Jaemin laughed softly. It hurt, but he laughed because he was just so happy.</p><p>"So may I?" Jaemin asked again in a more serious tone.</p><p>"Yes."</p><p>The next moment Jaemin's hand reached into the hair at the back of Jeno's head and he pulled it down until their lips met in a very slow, gentle kiss.</p><p>Notes:</p>
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<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"You know, I had a strange dream," whispered Jaemin softly after a long silence. Jeno lay close beside him in his bed, his head carefully pillowed on Jaemin's uninjured shoulder. Gently taking Jeno's hand, he slowly intertwined their fingers and gazed out the window into the bright midday sun. Jaemin's chin rested on Jeno's hair, and it tickled him. Comforting. He could smell the familiar scent of Jeno's shampoo, it was like a little piece of home.</p><p>Jeno hummed softly, Jaemin could feel the faint vibration on his skin. He was warm, so warm, deliciously warm all over. So peaceful.</p><p>"You want to tell me about it?" asked Jeno finally after a while.</p><p>Jaemin was silent for a moment. "I don't know." And Jeno squeezed his hand encouragingly.</p><p>"Talk to me whenever you need to talk," he said, looking up at Jaemin, who nodded. "All of this ... you, being with me. This feels like a dream to me. But it's real, isn't it?"</p><p>Jaemin's hand ran through Jeno's hair.</p><p>"Jeno. You can hear my heart beating, can't you? That means I'm still here. This is real." Jeno was breathing heavily and Jaemin tilted his head to press a gentle kiss to Jeno's forehead.</p><p>"I'm sorry for scaring you like that. I'm sorry you had to see that," Jaemin whispered.</p><p>"No, no, don't apologize. Please. I- ... I'm sorry I said all those stupid things to you. I was a jerk. A coward." Jeno closed his eyes, focusing on Jaemin's warmth, on his touch, breathing evenly and slowly.</p><p>"Let's forgive and forget."</p><p>Jeno looked up. "Jaemin?" Their eyes met. So warm, full of affection for each other.</p><p>"Yes?"</p><p>"I love you. I have for a long time. Way, way too long, but I think I admitted to myself that I really loved you just recently."</p><p>And Jaemin's heart was beating so fast in his chest that the surrounding machines were emitting alarming beeps.</p><p>"Oh God, oh, I'm sorry, I ... I'll get a nurse," Jeno said in a panic, but Jaemin held him by the arm as he tried to get up.</p><p>"No, no, please, it's okay, I'm fine, I'm just ... I'm just so happy and glad you said that. Because I feel the same way." Jaemin flashed a shy smile. "You know, you saved me earlier," he finally said, waiting for Jeno to join him again.</p><p>This confused Jeno. "How did I save you?"</p><p>"That dream I mentioned. I remember seeing you there. You were right there, with me." Jaemin's mind began to wander.</p><p>"...You almost drowned," Jeno spoke then, and Jaemin's body tensed.</p><p>"What?" he asked breathlessly. "Wait, did you...?"</p><p>"You were underwater," Jeno continued. "You fell from the sky into the sea, I saw it, and I dove after you ..."</p><p>"... And you took my hand until we were back up, back under the sun," Jaemin completed Jeno's sentence.</p><p>Overwhelmed by all the feelings and memories, they both fell silent.</p><p>"I thank you, Jeno," Jaemin then whispered in Jeno's ear. "I thank you. I love you."</p><p>Suddenly feeling Jeno's body tremble, he looked down at his friend, startled. "You ... you're crying, Jeno."</p><p>Jeno nudged him gently in the arm. "As if that wasn't obvious," he muttered, and Jaemin lifted his hand and gently wiped Jeno's tears away. "I was so scared, after everything I said to you ..."</p><p>Jaemin sighed and pulled Jeno closer until the latter's face rested in the crook of his neck.</p><p>"Thank you for being by my side when I needed you most," he whispered.</p><p>"I love you, Jaemin," Jeno whispered back.</p><p>"I know, stupid." Jaemin laughed softly, and Jeno suddenly felt a bright and very intense light around him, along with warmth and a feeling of love, like butterflies in his stomach, only a thousand times more intense.</p><p>And when Jeno turned to look at Jaemin, he saw that his friend had also begun to cry softly.</p><p>And yet, a smile spread across both of their faces.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After three more endless weeks in the hospital, Jaemin could finally go home. His recovery would be long and hard, and all the NCT Dream members were still struggling to deal with the mental and physical wounds the accident had left on them. But they really did their best to support each other. They still had to talk a lot about everything, but the members were only gradually opening up. In the beginning, they also refused to leave Jaemin alone.</p><p>They mothered him, followed him everywhere, and when Jisung even waited outside the bathroom until he was done, it became too much for Jaemin and he got a little mad. But eventually they came to an agreement. After being on hiatus for all these weeks, everyone gradually returned to their daily routines and had schedules for dance practice, interviews, and many other things, but it was hard to get back on track.</p><p>Jisung started having panic attacks whenever he stepped on a stage and only calmed down when he heard Jaemin's voice and thus could see that he was alive, breathing and still with them.</p><p>The others didn't fare much better, often someone would wake up crying from a nightmare and there were few nights when Jaemin slept alone in his bed, there were few nights when he didn't hold someone comfortingly in his arms.</p><p>Seeing them so distraught was far from easy for him as well, for he himself was not doing very well. His body was recovering, yes, but his mind was falling behind. But he tried to think positively, to smile away his pain, talked a lot with Jeno about everything and confided in him.</p><p>Their hyungs noticed how NCT Dream was slowly but surely falling apart, and immediately stepped in and supported them as best they could. And slowly, ever so slowly, things were actually getting better.</p><p>~</p><p> </p><p>When Jaemin entered the room, freshly showered, with wet hair and only a towel wrapped around his hips, Jeno looked up and smiled at his boyfriend. When he realised Jaemin didn't return it, the smile quickly faded, and he immediately stood up and walked over to him.</p><p>"Jaemin, what's wrong?" he asked gently.</p><p>"The scar will stay," Jaemin said in a hoarse voice, and Jeno knew he must have been crying again.</p><p>Jeno just nodded slowly, thoughtfully.</p><p>"What did I do wrong in life to deserve this? The scar will remind me every day of everything that happened, of everything, of ... of all the pain. Every day until the end of my life I will have to look at that scar and keep reminding myself. It's so ugly, I ..." Jaemin had said it all in one breath, and the pain that filled his eyes broke Jeno's heart. He was silent for a moment before choosing his words carefully.</p><p>"This scar represents that you won the hardest fight of your life. It represents how strong you are, Jaemin. You should never be ashamed of it."</p><p>In the next moment, Jaemin felt Jeno's sweet, warm lips brush over the long scar on his chest, over the sensitive skin that still ached a little from time to time, planting small, soft kisses on it, wandering up to his collarbone, his neck, his cheeks, before finally finding their way to his lips, and Jaemin slowly closed his eyes as they shared a deep, long kiss. The moment Jaemin opened his eyes again, their gazes met.</p><p>"And if you ever forget, I will always be by your side to remind you."</p><p> ~</p><p>Even though they were only at the beginning of their relationship, Jeno knew that together they could overcome the horrors of the past. They would heal together, slowly, with time and patience.</p><p>
  <em>“Help him breathe again and he will let you into his heart. Be honest with him about your feelings and he will embrace you with a smile and return them.”</em>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you so much if you have read my story up to this point! I hope you enjoyed it. The idea was very spontaneous, it’s a bit sappy and rushed but I felt like writing something like this to somewhat entertain myself and had a lot of fun doing so. Thanks for the kudos and nice comments, I really appreciated them a lot!</p><p>I hope you all have a nice day, stay healthy and happy!</p>
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